my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
