Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
