I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Success! We fucked roommates!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
