i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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