i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
