I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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