He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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