Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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