Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she peed on how many people?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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