omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
