Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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