I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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