Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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