the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
