The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
