We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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