And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
