Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Go christen that room with your naked body.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
