There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
