were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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