your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
