Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
