i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
