i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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