I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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