What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
