i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
