i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
