ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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