Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
