not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
