I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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