Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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