my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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