I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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