I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
