idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
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Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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