Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
