i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
