i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
