I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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