One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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