Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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