Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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