we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
