So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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