Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
apparently the secret to your success is patron
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
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you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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