Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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