if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
