Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
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The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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