i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize