my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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