I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic