I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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