My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.