Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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