My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
