Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
