I think my fart just growled at me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
