I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
