If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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