You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
