Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
