that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.