my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.