apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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