Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
