you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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