They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
